Friday, September 29, 2006

My son is weird

But we already knew that!

I was a strange child, and it seems that Taylor is following in my footsteps. I could see spirits as a child, and was haunted by a Poltergeist as a teen. Taylor has seen ghosts from a very young age, but it seems to be calming down as he gets older, thank goodness. He's not actually seen anything for a while.

This week I've heard and felt someone in the hallway(the upstairs floorboards physically moved whilst I was alone upstairs & lying on the bed). Taylor just told me he's felt it too, and he thinks it's Nanny. Not wanting to scare him, but not wanting to rubbish his thoughts(as my parents did to me as a child), I told him that it may be Nanny, but it's nothing to be scared of. I also said that if he sees anything to tell me straight away, as I want to see her too. He said 'I won't be scared, I wasn't scared when I saw and heard Fraser in the hallway'(he's our dead dog - it's a long story).
Then he asked about scary ghosts, and I said there wasn't any here, and not to worry as I'd done a protection spell on our house. He asked me to show him how to do it, bless him. I told him he's a bit young for that.
When we moved in here nearly 7 years ago we had a few problems with a bad 'vibe'. Lights and appliances would turn on and off on their own, and we all saw stuff, even Pete. It wasn't a spirit, just nasty feelings left behind by previous people. Taylor started seeing scary things in his room as a toddler (such as a 'flying man', it terrified me to hear my three year old describe that!) so I cleansed the house, and it's been fine ever since.

I bet you all think I'm mad now. I'm not one of those fluffy pagans who are into all this for attention, honest. I pretty much keep my beliefs to myself. It's tough being a pagan in a house with two atheists who've been badly abused by organised religion, and a son who although is pretty much like me, is actually really interested in the Bible(which we encourage). I dread to think what Isobel is going to turn into.


The thunder last night kept me awake until 2.30am, so today I feel like crap. It was only a tiny storm, but very loud. It really echoed around the streets here when it was right overhead. Of course, the kids slept through the lot. Once the thunder had gone, the heavy rain kept me awake. Bloody weather!

I'm at work, in my boss' office, typing up his appraisal for him. He's pretty much computer illiterate, and as I'm the fastest typist in the building it's all down to me. I don't mind, it's peaceful in here!

Ryan is now totally sick of his Mum's anticts again. I just hope he remembers this time that she will not change. If she says she has changed, it's a lie. It's horrible, to have to think that your Mum is a bitch, but she hangs herself with her own noose. We don't have to do anything to make him hate her. She called him giving him more grief about bloody Jehovah last night. Being nice hasn't worked, so she's gone back to plan A; guilt him into submission. He is supposed to be seeing her in December but he's now not sure if he wants to go. That will be the start of another war if he tells her no.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

New pic!

How cute is this picture from Lara and Rob's wedding? Isobel looks so much younger, but it was only in June. They grow too fast. :(

I started this the other day but the kids interrupted me, so thought I'd give it another go.


You Are a Bright Star Soul

Like a shining star, you have no trouble being the center of attention

In fact, you often feel a bit hurt when all eyes aren't on you

You need to be number one in everything, no matter how trivial

And it's this ego that both hurts your confidence and helps you acheive

You're dramatic and a powerhouse of pure energy

You posess a divine quality or uniqueness that's hard to define

A natural performer, it's likely you'll become famous in some circles.

Just learn not to take everyone's reaction to you so personally!

Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul and Prophet Soul

Pete got:

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.

Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul.

You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.

Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.

You have great vision and can be very insightful.

In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.

Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.

You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

World War 3

Yes, it has broken out in my home. It happens every Thursday when I haul my arse out of bed and go to work. The very finely tuned vehicle that is our house breaks down and the wheels all fall off.

Each Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, when Pete gets home from his job, the house is in a reasonable state, tea is cooked, and he sits down and plays the PS2 or surfs the net.

On Thursdays I come home to this:

How I haven't murdered them all yet I'll never know. When they saw my face drop as I walked in the door they all jumped up and tidied, but why couldn't they have done it before I got home and it ruined my day?

Tuesday, September 26, 2006


Well, that's finished me off for the night.

I was having a chat with Ryan, sorting out some tunes for his MP3 player, and he told me that a girl in his class is 3 months pregnant. They're 12/13 years old! There isn't an emoticon available to express my face at this news. I need to go and lie down.

Dangerous to your health.

Kids, that is. I'm sure they're trying to kill me and send me to an early grave. Do they not know I have a weak heart? It's skipping about all over the place now.

Ryan stressed us all out earlier as he forgot his door key, so when he got home from school he was locked out. I was at the park with Lara and the rest of the kidlets, so when we got back home the arrogant questions started. We did not appreciate being bombarded with 'Where have you been?' and 'I need to be told when you are going out' from a 12 year old. So he got a bollocking for the attitude. Then he tells us he'd fallen out with his mates at school, hence the bad mood. Apologies all round.

Then, it started to get dark so I went to get Taylor in from playing football. Not there. I've already left the house unattended with Isobel in bed alone(Pete is out) to look over the park. So I knock at Georgie's, no answer. I knock at Wendy's next door, no Taylor, but her daughter offers to sit with Isobel. I wandered round the whole estate, then try Georgie's again. They answer this time and tell me that he was there, he's just gone home. The little sod! All he had to do was tell me earlier where he was going. Of course he's all apologetic now that he's been grounded, but if he'd put some thought into it in the first place it wouldn't have happened.

So apart from this evening I've had a lovely day. We went into town, had lunch, went to baby group then on to the park. I'm hoping to go swimming tomorrow, if I get time.

Look at them, like butter wouldn't melt.

Monday, September 25, 2006

The custody battle

I'm putting this here for my benefit more than anything else. It helps to have it all out there, so people know the background and the extent of the crap we go through. Also, if my computer ever loses this file, I'll have an online copy. If you read through all this you're either very brave, or insane. :)

Chronological series of events:

Aug 2004: Ryan came to stay with us and was upset about bullies at school. Pete called his Mum, and she said that 'she was bullied at school, so he should go through it too'. Pete said he'd come to Wales himself and sort it out if she wouldn't. We also found out that she'd been telling Ryan things about her relationship with his Dad that he didn't need to know, and also that 'Your Dad was better than Dean(her new husband) anyway'.
Nov 2004: Ryan asked to come and live at his Dads. We knew Sian would say no but Pete didn't want to let him down so we asked. She went mad saying she didn't care if he was unhappy, he was her possession and he would die at Armageddon if he left. She called Claire hurling abuse the day he went home. Claire spoke to her calmly and put her in her place and Sian apologised at the end of the hour long phone call. She then made Ryan feel guilty about it for the next year, saying he'd ruined her life etc. She had counselling and openly blamed Ryan and Claire.

28th July 05: Collected Ryan for school holidays. His Mum still takes our maintenance even though he's with us for 6 weeks. She sends him here with instructions to beg for a haircut. I refused.
13th Aug 05: Pete spoke to Ryan saying that the decision was his, if he wanted us to get him out he was to say the codeword 'make it happen' on the phone as they listen to his calls.
5th Sep 05: Ryan goes home. He called Pete that night as his Mum was late collecting him and had switched her phone off. It had thundered and Ryan was scared. They'd already made him miserable and he wanted to come back to us. Codeword was mentioned.
6th Sep 05: Ryan sent us a text stating that he 'Just wanted to die'. Pete called Social Services and they said they may be able to help. They referred Pete to the Hampshire Social Services.
Sat/Sun Sep 05 (unsure of exact date): Ryan came for the weekend and had packed all of his clothes as he thought he would be able to stay. He brought a huge holdall. We had to take him back home.
21st Oct 05: We collected Ryan for the half term holiday. He told us that Sian had said she couldn't wait to see the back of him and he was ruining her family. Dean and Sian had been losing their tempers with Ryan. He'd been hit with coat hangers, pinched at the meetings, and threatened to be dragged from the house naked by Dean as he hadn't wanted to go to the meeting. Sian and Dean had also both hit him at the same time one night during an argument.
22nd Oct 05: Pete called Sian and said 'You can do this the easy way or the hard way, give him to us or we go to Social Services'. She consulted the Elders and called back that evening saying that he could stay but she obviously wasn't too happy about it.
2nd Nov 05: Sian has been hassling Ryan on the phone about the meetings. She has been saying 'You have a lovely relationship with Jehovah' and 'I though you wanted to be baptised'. Every time she calls he gets upset, can't sleep for feeling guilty and he struggles for a few days. She wants him to go to Centre Parcs for a JW group holiday in December. He doesn't want to go, and we won't allow him as he is about to start school. She gave out our phone number to Elders so their children could call him (Levi did call at one point but Ryan wasn't interested and he hasn't called back). Pete spoke to Social Services to get some advice, then called Sian to speak to her about witnessing to him on the phone as it's upsetting him. She thinks he's having a holiday and is telling everyone at the congregation that he's just here for a short while. She refuses to send us his clothes(they finally arrived on the 1st of December).
3rd Nov 05: Ryan sent her a handwritten letter of his own composition stating that he didn't want to be a Jehovah's Witness and they should let him make his own choices.
Various Nov Dates: Letters in post stating that Jehovah loves Ryan and they miss his answers in the meetings. Sian handed Child Benefit over to us and we began receiving it in December 2005.
Dec 05: Sian spoke to Ryan every few days, hassling him about Christmas. She said he'd come back to her once he saw how empty Christmas was.
Whilst Sian was visiting family in Wales she called and told Ryan off as he'd spoken to an old Welsh friend(non-JW) about leaving the religion and how much he was loving being out and living here. The friend had told a Welsh JW friend what Ryan had said and Ryan was now being blamed for giving the young JW boy doubts about the religion. He also spoke to Felicity( his teenage auntie) on the phone. She asked him what it was like 'in the world' as she is also a JW and he said it was good and he was enjoying himself. Ryan was also then blamed for giving her doubts.
14th Dec 05: Ryan has been training with a local football team. They've been really pleased with him and asked him to sign up full time. He needs his birth certificate before he can play his first match after Xmas, so Ryan called his Mum and asked for a copy. She gave him more grief about Xmas, so we turned the phone off on the 19th Dec. Ryan called her one more time to remind her about the certificate, or he couldn't play his debut match. He also asked her to come visit him in January but she said they couldn't pay the £30 ferry crossing.
Dec 25th: Ryan had a great first Christmas
Dec 31st: Ryan celebrated his first ever birthday
Jan 3rd 06: Ryan called his Mum to ask about the certificate as he needed it for the following day. She said she hadn't even looked for it. He was so upset that he cried. We called the team manager and explained the situation, he was great and said that our child benefit letter and a letter from Ryan's school would be enough. Ryan called his Mum in anger and told her not to bother as he was playing anyway. This annoyed her as the whole reason for delaying the certificate was to stop him from joining the team. He'd been stopped from mixing with normal children at her house and she was trying to do it here.
Jan 14th 06:Two of Ryan's Jehovahs Witness Uncles wanted to take him to a JW football match in London. He didn't want to go alone as he was too scared of the Elders asking him questions, so Pete was to go with him. He then found out that his new youth team were going to Southend United to be ballboys that day. He called the uncles and told them that they were more than welcome to come here in the evening to see him. They made up an excuse not to come right at the last minute.
Ryan didn't bother calling Sian for a few weeks, and she didn't call him.
2nd Feb 06: Sian called asking Ryan to come and stay for a week in the holidays. He doesn't want to go as he's scared of her. He told her he would come for the day. She wasn't happy with this and demanded to see him for a week. We told Ryan that the choice was his and we would drive him down there for the day if that was what he wanted. Sian was adamant that we were telling him what to say. She upset Ryan and he cried. Pete took the phone away and told her she had upset him. She started to get angry with Pete, and didn't believe that Ryan didn't want to see her even though he again took the phone and told her. Pete said 'I'll bring him for the day, lets leave it at that' and put the phone down. Dean called back shouting abuse at Pete, who calmly listened and even laughed. Dean said 'I know Ryan better than you' (even though Ryan can't stand him and has had nothing but abuse from him). Dean very suspiciously told us that we weren't allowed on the Isle of Wight while they had him for the day. This made Ryan even more nervous and he thought they might run off with him against his will. Pete calmly stated that we would bring him for the day(which we don't have to do) and eventually put the phone down. They both sent him texts that night. Deans was nasty and Sians was apologetic. Ryan hardly slept at all that night.
3rd Feb 06: Ryan broke down in school, and was pulled out by the deputy head Miss Pepper. She had a good long chat with him and called Pete as she was very concerned. She said that she'd never seen a young boy so distressed and scared of his Mother, and that we should not send him there at all. She also sent a referral to Social Services. Ryan told her that he didn't want to see his Mum at all but he really missed Holly his half sister.
Pete called and spoke to Dean that night and informed him that Ryan had broken down, Social Services were now involved at his teachers request, and that they weren't to speak to him for a few weeks. Dean said 'We'll see you in court'.
6th Feb 06: I called Miss Pepper, who said that we had her backing and she would contest in court about Ryan not seeing his Mum if it upsets him. I also spoke to Social Services who informed me that because he was now safe here with us they couldn't do anything. Unless he was in immediate danger they couldn't get involved. I also called contact centres, Relate(Ryan is now on the counselling waiting list) solicitors and mediation centres. Ryan took herbal sleeping tablets as he was having trouble settling that night. It actually took him a week to settle back down. We've had no contact from them for a fortnight, but are shocked that we've had no correspondence from their solicitor.
?? Feb 06: We've visited a solicitor and are looking into transferring residency to us. Possession is nine tenths of the law, and as he's 12 he gets a say in where he lives. Unfortunately we don't get legal aid as we are earning £50 a month too much.
13th Mar 06: Ryan had another row with his Mum on the phone as she's refusing to sign residency over to us, even though he's too scared to visit her without us having legal custody first. He's scared she's going to run off with him. She thinks we are putting ideas in his head, we think he's old enough at twelve to make his own mind up and have never influenced him.
11th April 06: Ryan has an appointment with a counselor tomorrow, at last.
31st May 06: Thanks to the counseling Ryan can finally stick up for himself on the phone to her without her shouting him down with her threats of Armageddon, so he feels ready to see her. We arranged a day trip down to Portsmouth(NOT the Isle of Wight!) as he feels safer meeting her on neutral territory. It was all agreed weeks ago. We don't HAVE to do this at all, she never helped us to travel the 13 hour drive to North Wales when he lived with her. In fact she was downright difficult. We are doing this journey down for him, not her. Anyway, she called up last night shouting and screaming saying it had to be the Isle of Wight or nothing, and that she'd never beaten him up and it was all lies. Why she had to do this at the last minute I'll never know. Ryan told her to speak normally or he'd hang up, so he did!
1st June 06: He called her tonight and arranged to meet her in Portsmouth as agreed or not at all, and she agreed. She is either going to give him a hard time, or she'll make him feel so guilty that all the work we've done with him will be back to square one. Worse case scenario is she'll run off with him. We've told him to take his mobile, and walk away if she even starts in the slightest. Pete will be down there with him in another part of town in case anything happens.

2nd June 06: Ryan's visit with his Mum was uneventful. Our car didn't make the journey back and is costing us £400 to fix, so she's still costing us money. We still haven't had any maintenance at all from her. He's been here for 8 months now.
JULY: No phone calls from her at all, Ryan called her a few times and she wasn't interested.
3rd August 06: He got a card through today saying 'Buy yourself something nice, if Dad will let you'. Of course he thought that the £40 was just for him and he's already spent it in his head. That evening she phoned and told him that it's actually maintenance money. If it were truly maintenance it'd be going straight into the pot to pay for new school uniforms and football team fees, not for him to spend as pocket money. This whole thing was designed to make Pete look like the bad parent for 'taking' the money off Ryan. Also, whilst on the phone she said 'When are you bringing him down to see me?'. That's no longer our problem. If she wants to see him she can make the 2 hour drive. She hasn't visited him once in a year. We used to drive for 13 hours, 5 times a year to see him when he lived in Wales with her, and she still used to delight in calling Pete and making him feel guilty about not seeing him enough.
10th August 06: Sian called while we were away, asking Ryan to visit her. She wanted Pete's Dad to drive up to collect Ryan, then at the end of the week drop him home again. Pete said no way, as his Dad has Angina and can't drive far. Also, it's not his problem. It's her job to collect him for visits. As soon as he put down the phone, I made Pete call his Dad and tell him to say no when she asks. Of course, she was on the phone begging him 5 minutes later, even though she KNEW he wasn't well enough. Ryan has asked us to get him more counseling.
24th August 06: Ryan went to stay with his Mum. Pete dropped him off at the station to meet his Mum on Friday as she travelled up by train and he really didn't want to go. He had a bit of a panic attack in the car and nearly changed his mind.
1st September 06: Ryan is home. His Mum told him she'd changed and grown up, which is a totally inappropriate thing to say to a child. She's 35 years old, she should've grown up years ago! She's also promised him he won't have to go to church meetings if he moves back there. That's is a blatant lie. The elders will give her and Ryan constant pressure and intimidation until he comes back to the church. They've spent hundreds of pounds on him, trying to buy his affection(still no maintenance here though). She also gleefully told Ryan that she won't be sending us any money for him at all, as she doesn't have to.
September(various dates): A barrage of sickly phone calls most days asking Ryan about his football, which she previously had no interest in at all. She hates him playing football. When he moved in with us we got him straight into a team, but he needed his birth certificate to play and she tried to sabotage the whole thing. She really upset him at the time, as she was trying everything she could to control him. Thankfully we managed to find a way around it and get him playing. Fast forward to now and the whole love bombing escapade, she knows that football is his life so has developed an all consuming need to encourage him. She now calls him everyday asking about his football. The whole thing is an act.


23rd Sep 06
Sian just called Ryan, and was immediately nasty. This means her facade has fallen away, she has snapped and reverted back to her usual self, and Ryan could actually see it for once. She expected him to have fallen for her love attack by now and move back in with her, because the worm has turned. She no longer cares about his football, and the abuse has started back up again. She didn't say a single nice word to Ryan on the phone just then, it was all attitude. Also, Holly(she's five) was made to speak to Ryan about the meetings, and she asked Ryan if he still loved Jehovah. Ryan was really good and told her he didn't care and wasn't interested.

29th Sept
Ryan is now totally sick of his Mum's antics again. I just hope he remembers this time that she will not change. If she says she has changed, it's a lie. We don't have to do anything to make him hate her. She called him giving him more grief about Jehovah last night. Being nice hasn't worked, so she's gone back to plan A; guilt him into submission. He is supposed to be seeing her in December but he's now not sure if he wants to go. That will be the start of another war if he tells her no.

13th Oct
Sian called Pete yesterday and had the most adult and sane conversation she’s ever had with him.

She says she’s going back to work soon and will give us some money then. Pete told her she is upsetting Ryan by not paying, as it shows him she doesn’t care about his welfare. Pete also told her that the whole witnessing thing is the worst thing she can do, as Ryan hates it and it makes him dread seeing her. She’s promised to leave him alone, but we’ve had that conversation before.

24th Oct
Ryan really doesn't want to see his Mum in December, but he's not feeling brave enough to tell her. She didn't call him for about two weeks, then was back on the phone getting Holly to talk about the meetings again.

3rd Dec
Ryan wasn't sure whether he should go on holiday with his Mum right up to the last minute. She collected him from the house while I was there, we all came out to wave him off and you should've seen her face when he hugged me.

6th Dec
I just spoke to Ryan on the mobile as he'd snuck off to speak to us so they weren't listening. I asked him if he was having fun and he just went 'Hmmmmm'. His Mum has moaned at him all week. They stopped him from talking about Christmas in front of Holly, but all they've done all week is moan about Christmas. What hypocrites! They can whinge about it, but he can't say how great it is. Every time a Christmas song comes on she says 'Lets all think about Jehovah for a minute'.

He asked her last week on the phone not to buy a coat for him without him choosing it as he's at that age where he's fussy. She wouldn't have it and wouldn't listen to Ryan telling her not to waste her money. Even Pete tried to reason with her about it. So, she bought the damn coat, and he hated it. So she bought him another, which he hated, and a hat(which, yes, he hated).

She's also been bleating on about him leaving her being the worst thing she's ever been through. He told me just now he just wishes she could be a proper Mum. Poor little guy. She also dumped him at football today and walked off, she couldn't even spare the hour and a half to watch him. Sad. Jehovah is much more important, obviously.

7th Dec
Pete spoke to Ryan today without them being with him and he's really fed up. Pete asked him if it was bad enough for us to borrow a car and come get him, and he said it's not quite that bad, but even so it shouldn't be bad at all! She's been going on and on about him coming back to the meetings, and her JW friends have been on at him too calling him 'worldly' and giving him a hard time. Thankfully he's stuck up for himself and told them that he's happy here with us, and would never go back to her or the meetings. She asked why he likes it here with us and he said the atmosphere is great and we're chilled out. She let him down at football again today and went off with her friends. He's been eating alone and swimming alone every day.

8th Dec
I was desperate to get home before he did to welcome him home. I got in at 5.15 expecting him to be there and he wasn't. They turned up 5 minutes later and he couldn't wait to get away from them. He cried, not because he was sad to leave them, but because he was glad to be home.
They'd shouted at him all the way home, telling him how evil we are, and how much she hates me and that she hoped I wouldn't be there when they dropped him off. She thinks I control him, which is a massive psychological projection of her personality traits on to me, because honestly, if I were controlling at all Pete would have kicked my arse to the kerb years ago like he did to her. She can't accept that this is RYAN'S CHOICE. She has gone on and on about how he could come back and he's told her time and time again he likes it here and would never come back. He has a voice, and an opinion, and he's entitled to one. We raise our kids to have confidence and a sense of self, and to question the things in front of them, and she HATES that. They've argued with him about Christmas being empty and worthless, about the JWs knowing more than doctors when it comes to blood transfusions, about him being here with us 'wordly' people. Honestly, he's just a kid! He said he's never ever going away with them again. I don't blame him.
She also asked Ryan in secret if he would come back if she dumped Dean, her husband. What kind of wife does that?

26th Dec
Ryan's Mum has been giving him a hard time on the phone, and she was horrible to him all week at Centreparcs, which has made him generally nervy again and not able to sleep. His nervous tic has also come back a year after it disappeared(he clears his throat constantly, even he knows it's connected to his Mum), and he suffers from bouts of Irritable Bowel Syndrome when he gets stressed.
We turned the phone off a few days ago as she likes to call him to tell him how empty Christmas is, just to rattle him. She did it last year leading up to Christmas so we turned the phone off then too. We turned it back on for about an hour on Christmas Eve so that Taylor's Dad could call to arrange a pick up time, and surprise surprise Sian called while the phone was on. I shouted to Ryan to leave the phone but he bloody answered it! As soon as he realised it was her he said 'Oh!', and laid the phone down on the table. I spoke to her, here is the gist of the conversation:

Me: Ryan doesn't want to speak to you until after Christmas.
Sian: Whys that then?
Me: Because you upset him and try to ruin his Christmas.
Sian: I've never mentioned Christmas to him.
Me: Yes, you have. You did last year.
Sian: I know what I have and haven't said(her famous irrational temper was now rising to her trademark scream).
Me: So do we Sian, we've heard you. Also, he's felt like crap since coming back from his holiday with you, and he doesn't want to speak to you. It was his choice to lay the phone down when he heard your voice, I wasn't even in the room.
Sian: Slams phone down

Ryan then spent a good hour on the toilet with an IBS attack. Thankfully he felt better by the time our party started, and the festivities over the last few days took his mind off it.
Unfortunately, now that's all over he's been worrying again. He told Pete today that he might not speak to her again, he is just sick of all the stress. I think he wishes she could be a normal Mum, but it's never going to happen.

3rd January 2007
Sian called, I answered, and said I thought Ryan had just left(they were putting their shoes on to go out), but I didn't think he wanted to speak to her. Ryan came to the phone and said very clearly and concisely that he didn't want to talk to her, she'd really upset him on the holiday, and he wanted to be left alone. She said fine and put down the phone, and that was that. He felt guilty for a while, but relieved too. He seems fine now, and soon ran off to play football. I wonder if this is it?

New toys

My Dad and Pauline came over on Sunday. It was lovely to see them, it's been too long. Because we haven't seen them since December, they'd missed Taylor's, mine and Isobel's birthdays. The kids had £50 Argos vouchers so I enjoyed spending those for them today. Taylor got the new Lego StarWars II PS2 game, and Isobel got a new dolls pushchair, and some Mr Potato Heads. They've provided hours of amusement so far, and yes, even I've played with them.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Unlucky, Bitch!

Your tactics aren't working!

Sian just called Ryan, and was immediately shitty with him on the phone. This means her facade has fallen away, she has snapped and reverted back to her usual self, and Ryan could actually see it for once.

To give you an idea of the way shes been trying to manipulate him recently, I'll tell you a little story; She hates him playing football, good witness children don't mix with other 'wordly' children. When he moved in with us we got him straight into a team, but he needed his birth certificate to play his first match so he asked for it in December. In January we were still waiting and she kept lying and stalling about where it was, and whether she'd sent it. Ryan called his Mum for the final time in February to ask about the certificate as he needed it for the following day. She said she hadn't even looked for it. He was so upset that he cried. We called the team manager and explained the situation, he was great and said that our child benefit letter and a letter from Ryan's school would be enough. Ryan called his Mum in anger and told her not to bother as he was playing anyway. This annoyed her as the whole reason for delaying the certificate was to stop him from joining the team. He'd been stopped from mixing with normal children at her house and she was trying to do it here. Fast forward to now and the whole love bombing escapade, she knows that football is his life so has developed an all consuming need to encourage him. She calls him everyday asking about his football, it's vomit inducing! The whole thing is an act to show him how much she loves him. Blueeergh!

Anyway, I think she expected him to have fallen for her love attack by now and move back in with her, because the worm has turned. She no longer cares about his football, and the abuse has started back up again. She's like a petulant child, who has fluttered her eyelashes at her Daddy for a treat, and when that tactic hasn't worked she's thrown a tantrum. She didn't say a single nice word to Ryan on the phone just then, it was all attitude. Also, Holly(she's five) was made to speak to Ryan about the meetings, and she asked Ryan if he still loved Jehovah. Ryan was really good and told her he didn't care and wasn't interested. That's awful, making a 5 year old do your religious brainwashing for you. She makes me sick.
I'm pleased Ryan realised what she was doing though. Good lad!

New Template

I've had to change my template as the layout on the other one has been screwing around for a few days now. I hate this one, so I'm hoping to be back to Dots Dark soon.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

After being inspired by this post on Dan's blog, I thought it looked like fun.




And not forgetting Pete;

And me!;

Busy busy busy

I love this picture of Taylor and Isobel.

It's been manic here the last few days. Our car broke down on Monday, so Pete's been getting buses to work(which is a nightmare when you're an Area Manager!). We've waited for a mechanic to come round to have a look, he didn't show, so today we called the RAC out. Pete has been trying to start the car two or three times a day...nothing. As soon as the RAC guy turned up, the little shit starts. It was hilarious! It's been fine all day. Very mysterious.

Anyway, Thursday I took my old dears from work to see Starlight Express. My Mum came with me, and both the boys were invited but Ryan had a football team presentation to go to at the Outback Steakhouse. The show was fantastic, Taylor really loved it, but it was a bit loud for a few of the oldies. Most of them enjoyed it though. Taylor's been asking to go and see it again since then.

Friday was busy at work, than Lara came and picked me up(bless her!), and then proceeded to be our taxi service for the evening. We dropped Taylor and Isobel at my Mum's, Ryan stayed at his new friends(called Taylor, annoyingly. It can get a bit confusing in our house when he's here. Like right now), and Lara dropped us round my friend Beverley's. We got a scrummy Chinese takeaway and drunk far too much wine. We stayed up chatting until 2.30am. I love going round there as they're not afraid of a good debate, and we can talk about some really deep shit. It's been known to get a bit hair-raising at times, but in a good thought-provoking way, and they're an argumentative couple with each other anyway. We had some good animated talks about immigration, the government, the CSA and religion last night and I feel like my brains had a good workout today. Niks really funny and a bit of a comedian, he must drive Bev mad to live with, he's never serious.

We got home at lunchtime today, went food shopping, and now Ryan has his mate Taylor Mark2 round, and Pete and our Taylor are watching Star Wars. My Dad is coming over here tomorrow at 2pm, so that will be nice. We haven't seen them since last Christmas, which is shameful really as they're only in Maldon. Life just gets in the way unfortunately.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Lazy Days

Had a lovely lazy, quiet day today. As I did most of my housework yesterday I got to put my feet up for most of today. I took these new pictures of Isobel out in the garden today.

I washed her hair with a new curly hair shampoo, and it looked gorgeous(well, even more so than normal).


I've been thinking about things I like and what I'm into because of the gift exchange. Some of my loves are a little strange. I'm mad about derelict houses. This isn't going to help my DGE partner much, but thinking about it made me wonder why the attraction is so strong. When I look at a building in a state of disrepair(in the flesh or even in photos), it gets me in the stomach. It's like falling in love. I want to scoop it up like a child and bandage it's cuts and grazes. Pete laughs at me, but understands, and has trudged around in many tumbledown and dangerous buildings. He thinks that if I owned one, I'd restore it, and wouldn't love it anymore. Maybe he's right. I love the Romanticism and vulnerability.
I just searched for my favourite house on the Buidings at Risk Register. I've been in love with this place for years. It's called Bylaugh Hall, and it looked like this;

I couldn't find it in the register, so used a photo from my hard drive. I panicked that it had been demolished, then searched Google. Look what I found; Someone beat me to it. I actually squealed when I saw it! Guess I'll have to find a new house to dream about.

Update! I've found IT!. Looks like it's going to be demolished though. I'd better win the lottery, quick.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


Pete has the hump with me tonight and I'm not entirely sure why. So now I feel like the worlds worst girlfriend, for no reason. Nice.

On one of my message boards we do a December Gift Exchange. I got the name of my person to buy for today, so I've been researching their likes and dislikes. I love this part of the DGE! I've just checked out last shipping dates for their country, and I have until 11 December. Remind me to not leave it til the last minute. I start buying straight away, little bits here and there, but putting the package together takes ages.

I had a nice day today with Angela and Lara, plus the kidlets of course. Everyone played nicely out in the garden, and we had a good gossip. Angela is having another baby in a few weeks so we had a feel of her tummy. Lots of indiscernible shapes were poking out. I'm now on emergency callout in case she goes into labour(as is Lara), mainly to look after Alastair if needs be. I'm looking forward to newborn cuddles too!

Sunday, September 17, 2006

I was right...

They lost. Spectacularly. It was 5-1. Ryan's team won 7-0 though so there was some consolation. Pete's best mate Brian got in a strop and threw his toys out of the pram. Me and Jane could hardly contain ourselves and cracked up laughing, which helped his mood. Isobel spent the morning playing with Jane's daughters Bratz, which I hate with a passion. I hope she doesn't get any ideas because she won't be having any at home.
I wanted to either visit my Dad & Pauline today(they won't answer their phone so I can't arrange it), or visit the cemetery(we have no petrol to get to Romford). So that was my plans scuppered. Never mind, it's pay day tomorrow. Ryan told us that one of his girl mates is called Tissue Tits, as she stuffs her bra. Teenagers, don't you just love them?

This is Isobel going down a huge slide at Wat Tyler, it's meant for over 6's. She's fearless.

I need sleep!

Another shite nights sleep last night. Aching shoulder - Check! Screaming toddler - Check! Too much caffiene - Check! Joy of joys.

I'm off to watch Pete's football team today, who will lose. They usually do. Here's the website of the famous Landsdowne Rangers. Have a laugh at how old and fat they all are.

Saturday, September 16, 2006


I'm bored, so I ran away with myself and typed some random stuff. 'Get to know Laney better' kind of stuff. :)

My step mum Pauline is my role model, she has been since the age of about 7. She is a true Goth, and not the teenage kind that thinks they are cool because they are miserable and wear black, she is a real Goth.
I always remember the first time my Dad introduced me to her. She was beautiful, about 28, with jet black spiked hair and bright red lipstick. She bought me a tiny gold ring at a craft fair and I still have it. She did some modeling back then and Dad still has her portfolio at home. I wish I had some of her portfolio online, the pictures are amazing. The most glamorous thing about her is her ability to look comfortable and radiant everyday in scarlet red lipstick. I could never pull it off.

She has taught me everything I know over the years. My interest in architecture, history, gardening, spirituality and Astrology, fashion and makeup, derelict houses and renovation, jewelry, antiques and music, was learnt from and directly influenced by her. I feel incredibly lucky to have been introduced to such an interesting and cultured life as a child that I may have never noticed otherwise.
They never had children of their own together, and she makes me laugh with Isobel as she has no idea what children do at certain ages. She often asks me such gems as 'can she use the big toilet yet', and will ask Isobel if she wants a cup of coffee. One day she'll turn around and say yes!

Here's a picture of her taken last summer with Ibby.

Pauline had breast cancer a few years ago and she fought it with such dignity and was never too scared to talk about it with me or the children. When she was diagnosed I was devastated. Thankfully she pulled through, and has been clear for about four years. I thank whoever it is up there everyday that she got better. I'm so thrilled Isobel will get to know and love her like I do, she's such a positive role model. It's a shame she never had children of her own.

Also, she gives the best hugs. :)

Falling apart at age 26.

I just found out from another friend that Lisa has 6 weeks to live, and I now know the area where she is hospitalised. I should be able to send her a letter now, at least. I still feel sick all the time, and am having trouble sleeping. I wish I could go see her, but this time is for her family. I think I probably only want to go for selfish reasons.

I went to the doctors yesterday about two things, one was a suspicious looking mole(the whole Lisa thing has spurred me into action), and my dodgy shoulder. I've had this pain in my right arm/shoulder for about 9 months now, it's getting worse and stopping me from functioning. I struggle to brush my hair some days. I've been diagnosed with Rotator Cuff Tendonitis/Bursitis, which is what Google told me it was 9 months ago when it started happening. I've now got to take 3 anti-inflammatory tablets a day for 6 weeks. If that doesn't help, physio and steroid injections here I come! I've also opted to have the weird mole removed, better safe than sorry. I am not looking forward to being sliced, poked and stitched.

I just spoke to my friend Bev, and arranged to go round there for a takeaway and a drink next Friday. I can't wait as we've not seen her and Nik for about 10 months. She needs cheering up too as her ankle is in plaster. She went on holiday and injured herself an hour after arriving. What a great romantic break that was, the poor thing!

Friday, September 15, 2006

Freaky Friday...

We've had more spooky goings on at work today. When I started there, it seemed to be happening a lot. It calmed down for a while, but now it's back. The weirdest incident was when a two pence coin materialised in front of a colleagues face and flew past my ear. We all saw it. We also get noises in the bathroom of someone following us in(there are two cubicles), locking the other door, sitting down, pulling the toilet roll, then...nothing. When you look the cubicle is empty. It's happened three times now, it happened to me for the second time today(Jacqui has heard it once too). I hate locking up, and even worse I have to wait there alone for two hours next Thursday. That should be fun. I'm taking a trip out at 6.30pm, but all the staff and customers leave at 4 ish. I'm planning on getting a take-away and sitting there alone. If I take my camera I may catch a ghostie!

I went on a training course yesterday, it was supposed to be customer service training, but was more like a counselling session. It's in two parts, and the first part was looking at your self-esteem and awareness. It was about changing your personality from negative to positive, and influencing others. I loved it, and have no problem examining my flaws(of which there are many), but a lot of people hated it. I did, however, feel very raw and exposed when I returned to work in the afternoon. As part of the course we had to chose a spiritual name for ourselves that represented who we are. If we struggled she helped us choose one(the tutor was amazing). I chose The Nurturer, as I enjoy guiding my children and watching them change and grow. I especially enjoy seeing Ryan change from what his Mother made him(which trust me is not good), into what I hope we are making him. The Sculptor may have been another good one for me, moulding clay. She suggested that I should have sunshine in my name, as we need sunshine to grow. So, I became Nurturing Sunshine. It was very cool!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

I've had another hilarious friend request message on Myspace(I get quite a few marriage requests from Nigerian men). This woman sent me this:

I'm just wondering if you'd like to do a bit of amateur modelling? I've been looking around the profiles on myspace for British men and women who could feature on my website (

If you fancy the idea, have a read on my profile and see what you think.
If not, sorry to have bothered you.

Hope to hear from you soon, you have a great look, would love to have you on the site. It's completely 100% free, no charge AT ALL.

Sal. x

So, I had a look and it's like a free amateur soft porn site. I'm very flattered, but honestly, has she not seen my baby belly and stretch marks? My modelling days are long gone.

Honestly, some people will message anyone. I love the random hilarity that is Myspace!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Ooooh...pretty lightning!

We are currently in the midst of a wicked storm. We've not had one all summer, I've been waiting ages for one. I love them at this time of night too, dark enough to watch, and they don't disrupt ours or the kids sleep. We let them stay up until it's finished, to watch the lightning, then off to bed they go.
We've had mostly sheet lightning, but the few forks we have had have been huge. Some of them were purple! I love it.

It's just started up again, this must be the second storm. I can't believe that Isobel hasn't woken up though, she's sleeping like a log in there. The rain is so loud I can't hear the thunder.

Tired isn't the word.

Well, as I felt so jittery and upset last night I took some herbal sleeping tablets(just Valerian Root - good stuff!). Just as they started to kick in Isobel decided she didn't feel much like sleeping and proceeded to moan all damn night. The trouble with Valerian is if you don't actually sleep after taking them you feel as though you've overdosed on Prozac. I've hallucinated all night, tossed and turned, and the minimal sleep I did get was filled with crazy dreams. I feel like crap this morning. *yawns*

The house is being valued today, and I have a list of jobs as long as my arm to do. Boring!

I just wanted to link to my new local friend, his blog keeps me busy, it's full of interesting things - Dan

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Bad news all round

Firstly, Ryan tried out for the school team today, and the coach said he's keeping the winning team from last year, so Ryan wasn't picked. He's on the reserve list so if anyone doesn't show or drops out he's in there. he was pretty upset earlier. At least he has his private team that he plays for, and they're doing really well.

On an even sadder note, my ex boyfriend Martin just called me. We remained close friends for a few years after our split(we were together 4 years), and as our lives have all moved on we speak maybe once a year now. It was lovely to hear from him anyway, but...

When we split, he dated one of my childhood friends, Lisa. Her and her identical twin Clare were a huge part of my childhood(they lived next door to me), and we all remained close for the three years that Martin and Lisa were together. I was really happy for them both, there was never any hard feelings.

When Martin and Lisa split she moved away and met someone else, but I've stayed friends with her sister. I moved away too and we all drifted, although I saw Clare quite a lot. Lisa had a daughter a few years ago, and she also had skin cancer. She had the mole removed from her leg and that was the last we heard. Martin just called me to tell me she's now dying in the hospice, it's come on so quick and there's nothing they can do. She's only in her 20's. Both her and Clare are so beautiful, it's just such a waste.

I feel like I've been punched in the gut. Life is bollocks. :(

Monday, September 11, 2006

Quiet day today

This is Taylor with Isobel in the hospital. I love this picture. :)

Not done much today, just cleaning really. The house is being valued by the Council on Wednesday, for us to buy it off them, so I've got loads to do. I feel ill tonight too, like I have Sinusitus coming. Great.
I made my Plum Jam today, it's delicious. I had some on toast earlier, it's really sweet. It's 10.45pm and I still have to do the ironing yet. I really can't be arsed.

I watched a montage on Youtube today that someone had put together for 9/11. It was pretty gross. It wasn't tastefully done at all9which some of the clips on there were), and had close-ups of people falling. Now, I've seen it all before. I watched it all over and over again the day it happened 5 years ago. I didn't really need to see it again, thanks. Pass the eye-bleach.

Rest in peace all those that died that day. :(

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Fun night out

Sam and I, very drunk!

I was invited out for Sam's birthday last night, so off I went to stay round Ali's house in Rayleigh. We got ready round there, had a few drinks and walked to catch the train to London. We ended up in Soho and Leicester Square, and set up camp in a gay bar with a happy hour. Doubles were only £2.50, so we were drinking them like it was going out of fashion. We hooked up with this crazy guy called Kenny, who looked like one of the ChuckleBrothers. He was amazing, a total nutter, he made the night really. He even texted us twice this morning to make sure we got home OK. Bless him. We had a bit of a boogie, Sam poked Ali in the eye, and this morning she couldn't see. It's all good fun until somebody gets hurt!

Me with Ali, before the eye incident;

Us squealing on the rickshaw:

We got a rickshaw back to the station and the cyclist was swerving across the road trying to make us laugh. It worked as we screamed the whole way back, we were in hysterics. We also nearly missed the last train home, we caught it with seconds to spare. We got the train home with two French guys who couldn't understand a word we were saying, and we were sat opposite the fashion crime of the century. This girl had on pink and white zebra patterned leggings. Classy.

Friday, September 08, 2006


Well, that's it. I'm officially addicted. I just found a site with clips from all Vince Vaughn's movies. If I thought he was nice before, now I'm obsessed. His films from a few years back were awesome. My god he's hot, especially when he was about 28. He looks like Marlon Brando. He plays a damn good psycho too, especially in Clay Pigeons. *faints*

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Ol' blue eyes

I've just got back from a trip tonight with work. We went to see Sinatra at The London Palladium, it was fabulous! I can't really describe how they did it, but they have Frank Sinatra projected up onto the stage, singing and dancing with real actors and singers, and a great big band. It was very clever. After a while you forgot he wasn't actually there, and it was just like seeing him live. I really enjoyed it, but then I like Frank anyway. My god he was handsome when he was younger! The old dears from work loved it.

Taylor enjoyed his first day at Junior School today, and Ryan seems to have had a better day today.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Mark my words, Ryan will end up going back to his Mums. The love bombing last week has worked. Just two months ago she was upsetting him on the phone, he was terrified of her and never wanted to see her again. Now he is crying down the phone to her, nothing here is good enough, and he has an attitude problem. It's the beginning of the end my friends! I just feel sorry for the lad, he doesn't stand a chance. I'm resigned to it now, he's gone. *shakes head*. :(

This is me with Jane, Pete's Australian cousin. She lived here for two years but went back home in 2003 when I was 15 weeks pregnant. I'm really close to her, she's my 'Big Sis'.
We had a phone call from her last night to tell us that she's coming over in July and bringing her new man Tim with her. Then, they're coming to Jamaica with us for the wedding. I'm so happy for her, she deserves some happiness.
I can't wait to see her, she's going to fall in love with Isobel. They're going to stay here for a month when they visit. Eeeeeeppp...I'm so excited!

Monday, September 04, 2006

Word of advice: Don't have kids.

Taylor has really annoyed me these last two days. We had a lovely day at the park yesterday with Gemma and her stepson Ryan, then we went to my Mum's for tea. My uncle was there with Jason, my 14 year old cousin. Now, there are no doubts as to who instigated the naughty behaviour yesterday. Jason has always been out of control. He once covered my poor Nan in talcum powder for a laugh, and squirted shower gel all over her house. He is a shit, and my uncle has no idea about discipline. Anyway, Taylor and Jason were really naughty yesterday, and subsequently Taylor is grounded and isn't allowed on the PS2 or PC.

Then today the following transpired:
A month ago he took Ryan's bike and left it out at night, and it was stolen. I was really upset with Taylor, and told him that his Christmas money would be buying Ryan a new bike. I then spotted a teenager riding it two day later and chased him till he gave it back(SuperMum to the rescue!). Taylor has his own bike, he doesn't need to ride Ryan's.

So, Taylor was let off the hook with buying a new bike for Ryan. Fast forward to now, in the last week either Taylor or his best friend Georgie have wrecked the seat pad on the bike(all the foam has been picked off), and the handlebars have been bent out of shape. Ryan hasn't done it because he hasn't been here. I'm so mad with Taylor that I've just shouted and sworn at him, which I never do. I've told him he won't be getting anything at Christmas from us, as his present allowance will be buying a bike for Ryan. I can't understand how he can be like this after 7 years of reasoning with him and talking about respect. We are pretty poor, so it's not like he gets spoilt and doesn't understand the value of money.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Ryan is home!

Well, Ryan is home, so this will be a difficult few days. He already annoyed Pete in the car, as he said that his Mum has changed and was lovely all week. Hello! Earth calling Ryan, you spent 4 days with her! This is the same woman who routinely emotionally abused you for 12 years, then started hitting you with coat hangers. She hasn't changed. It's called manipulation.

She's also told him he won't have to go to JW meetings if he moves back there. That's such a lie, she isn't allowed to have him living with her if he refuses to go. The elders will give her and Ryan constant pressure and intimidation until he comes back. If he wants to go back to that, he can.

It makes me really confused inside. On the one hand I want him to forget all the nasty things she's done over the years, but on the other he needs to remember what she's done. The grass isn't greener on the other side. I'm losing patience with all this, if he wants to go I won't stop him, but he won't ever get another chance back here. This is it. There will be no sleepovers, no birthday parties, no Christmas, no football club, no cricket club, no going out socialising with our friends.