Sunday, July 30, 2006

Sunsets and Tomatoes

I forgot to mention that I bought my wedding dress last Saturday. The one that I originally tried on and posted pictures of(I'll have to post another picture now). I popped into the shop to see if they'd put it in the sale and they had, half price! I was so lucky as it was the last one in my size too.
I have been munching on my tomatoes for a few days now, they are so sweet and juicy! We have hundreds of them still ripening, and it's only Taylor and I that like them.

I took this photo outside our house a few weeks back. The colours were unbelievable, this doesn't do it justice really.

Ryan has been really good this week since we had 'words'. I am absolutely certain that this is all because his Mum has washed her hands of him. She hadn't called him for weeks and weeks, and she phoned yesterday for about 2 minutes. What an ignorant bitch. I think it's upsetting him and he's taking it out on me. I'm just not his Mum, never will be, and she doesn't want to know. However, he's nearly 13 and is old enough to be responsible for his own actions. If he splits this family up with his negativity and bitterness he'll have to go back there, and I just hope he realises how serious this is.

We've put in a mortgage application to buy our council house. It's the best thing we can do to get on the property ladder. Our estate is getting knocked down in the next 10-15 years, and we don't want to wait that long to get moved. The plan is to buy this place with our Council discount, put in a new kitchen then rent it out. Then we'll either buy or rent somewhere a little bigger while we wait for the bulldozers on the estate to get to us. When they knock us down we'll get the market value plus 10% AND a cash bonus and moving fees. We also get an option to use the equity to buy one of the new houses they're building. Exciting stuff!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

I love Isobel's face in this photo. She was visiting family in Portsmouth with Daddy while I was stuck at work. I guess she's looking up at a helicopter or something.

Well, we're still here and in one piece(just). To be honest, there is not much chance of me and Pete splitting up. Ryan will have to go before we ever let that happen. Taylor has been staying with friends since Sunday across the road, and he told me yesterday that he likes it better there because Ryan isn't there. That isn't something you want to hear from one of your children. He came home tonight and said he wants me and him to go and live at the other house. It made me really sad.

We had Jane, Jay and their two girls Jacey and Emma over for an impromptu BBQ today. Ryan cried this morning so Jane had a chat with him and he said he doesn't think he's done anything wrong, but he doesn't want to go back to his Mums. If he doesn't see what he's doing, then there is no hope really is there. He's tormented Taylor so much that he doesn't even want to be in the same house, and he's spoken to me like I'm his slave for the last 6 months. I have zero respect for him, and he'll just have to earn that back. He is not taking responsibility for any of this, and at nearly 13 years old he's old enough to know better. He said 'I know I have an attitude, but it's my age'. Jane just told him that was a cop out and a poor excuse.

We desperately need a storm here. One passed by earlier and we all watched it, but it never really kicked off. Isobel loved it. She kept saying 'Rainclouds', 'It's coming' and 'Noisy thunder'. I've not taught her rainclouds, so she's picked it up from somewhere. She's stringing four or five words together now into sentences, and you can have a proper conversation with her. Clever Girl!

Pete has gone to watch Southend play Portsmouth in a friendly match tonight with Alan next door and Jay. They've taken all the kids(not Isobel obviously), so I hope they've had fun.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Family wars...

Well, it looks like we are going to have to send him back to live with his bitch of a mother. His negativity has finally got to us all. My son hates him and is suffering, which in turn makes me not like Ryan very much. He picks on my son and is jealous ALL THE TIME. Taylor has been staying with a friend over the road for a few nights(it's the first time he's stayed with friends), and Ryan is so jealous, even though he stays with his friends loads. He is moaning that I'm mean to him, but he doesn't ever say anything nice to anyone. Pete has had enough and is threatening to walk out. In our six years together we've NEVER not got on like this. It's Ryan that is causing all the problems. I've said to Pete that I'll just keep my mouth shut and ignore him when he has an attitude problem, I can't see any other solution.

It's just constant 'Where are my clothes, where are my shoes, where is my dinner, why haven't you done this, I can't find it, are you sure you've done it?' all said with an attitude, so I snap back. I'm sick to death of it, and might leave myself!

We sat up last night talking through our stance on it as we always present a united front with the kids. I then had a friend come over today and she witnessed the way he speaks to me as soon as he gets in from school. She confirmed to Pete what happened when he got home. Than we sat down with Ryan this afternoon and told him why we were so upset with his constant bad attitude, and how he was ruining my sons life. We basically laid all our cards on the table and said that he'd had his last chance. Any more of the attitude and he goes back to his Mums. He has 4 weeks before we review the situation.

I'm hoping we've scared him, but if not Pete and I have agreed that I should leave for a few days with Taylor and Isobel to shock him some more. I'm hoping it won't come to that though.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Back to work

I went back to work today and it was very weird, being surrounded by elderly women. One lady, Rose, who I adore, really reminds me of my Nan. I nearly burst into tears in the dining room at work, and tonight I just feel out of sorts. I fell asleep on the sofa straight after dinner, then came upstairs. Pete has gone out for a few drinks(it's my turn to go out on Saturday!), so I'm hogging the PC.
I'm in work early tomorrow, which sucks, then that's it for a few days. Taylor is staying at his real Dad's Friday & Saturday, and I have Becky staying over for the weekend. I'm actually feeling pretty antisocial right now, so I'll have to get my head together before she gets here.

I was supposed to be going away in a few weeks, but we are having to pay almost £500 towards the funeral. We are having financial problems left, right and centre at the moment, since the car blew up really, and I just can't do it. I'd be an irresponsible and bad parent if I go, as my children will have to give things up for me to be able to afford it. That's not fair, and it's not how things work in this family. Pete keeps saying that I should go, but secretly he's really worrying about the money, he's making himself ill actually, and I wouldn't enjoy spending that money that is much needed so selfishly. The school holidays are upon us and we can't even afford to do anything with the kids like days out or special treats, plus it's nearly time for new uniforms and football team signing on fees. Life pretty much sucks right now. We aren't spending any time with each other and are drifting further and further apart, plus Pete hates his job and wants to leave. I feel crap because of Nan and don't actually want to put the effort in with our relationship, but if I don't lord knows what might happen. Cheerful, aren't I?

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Two weddings and a funeral

Well, we buried Nanny Farm this week. The boys wanted to come so we let them, we all had a white rose each to lay on the coffin. I read a short poem that I was up until midnight the night before writing. I also went to the chapel of rest last week to see her. I'm glad I didn't let the boys go as she was quite blue. I think it would've scared them. I held her hand for a while, and placed a card from the boys and some photos in with her. She always had the most beautiful hands. Always elegant and soft, with perfect almond shaped nails. I'd always been jealous of them. Her hands were still as soft as always, just cold. Clearing the flat has been the hardest. It holds all the memories of my childhood, and now someone else will be living there.
We've all been pretty subdued this week. I don't really feel like she's gone. Even though I've seen where she died, seen her body in the coffin, in my head she's still sat in that chair in Romford watching Eastenders on TV. I think I'm in denial to be honest, it's going to hit me like a ton of bricks at some point.

Me doing Grandad's garden and Nan overseeing that I do a good job! I must be 16 in this picture as I've got my horseriding gear on.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

School report time

Well, it's that time of year that the kids dread and I love. I'm evil like that.

Firstly, Ryan had his report last week which was very good, and his open evening was tonight. All his grades have gone up, and he's in the top half of his year. His attitude at times needs to improve as he can be a bit cheeky, but we knew that! He knows what he needs to improve. All in all we were very pleased as his best subjects were the most important ones; Maths, Science and English. His Head of Year really likes him(they got quite close when Ryan was being bullied) and said that if he puts in an extra 10% he'll get top notch grades. He's clever, just a little lazy. Well done Ryan!

Taylor's final infant school report says "It has been a pleasure having Taylor in the Infant school. He always has a smile and something to say. He is helpful and eager to please. Well done Taylor you've made very good progress." We have his open evening tomorrow so fingers crossed that'll be good too.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

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Firstly, to get the morbid stuff out of the way, we've had news from the coroner and it's was my Nan's heart that killed her. It makes me feel a little better as it was probably quick. The image of that pillow on the floor where she'd been alive and trapped long enough to reach up for it will haunt me for a long time though. She obviously didn't go immediately. When my Grandad died I went over to the flat straight away, as I lived in Romford at the time so was local. His body had already been removed, but I could feel his spirit there in the room, just hanging around. When I went to the flat on Thursday my Nan had already gone. There was no spirit, I just knew she'd been there for a while and had passed on already. I told the boys on Thursday night after their day out at the cricket with Pete. Taylor really cried for ages, but we had a good chat with them about it, an Taylor is adamant that Nan will come and visit him from heaven. It wouldn't be his first ghost so I wouldn't be surprised!
The 7th of June was Nan & Grandads wedding anniversary, so they got to be together for that. I hope they managed to find each other in time and celebrate.

Me, my Mum and the two boys went to the Hampton Court Flower Show with my members from the Day Centre on Friday. We thought the trip would take all our minds off it. It was a lovely day, better than expected actually. We travelled on a boat from the coach park to the show, it was good fun.

Then we wandered around all day. I bought some nice earrings, some lavender, two plant pots, an Xmas pressie for my stepmum, a present for Lara, and two minature roses. I'm planting one of them for Nan, probably at the cemetary when it's all settled.
I'll have to add more pictures later as this site is being stupid.

Victor is arriving from Australia at 5am on Monday. Oh, and I've inherited a Budgie. It's called Snowy(stupid name, but as Nanny Farm named her I'll have to keep it.) Lucifer would be more apt. It's EVIL. If you even dare to look at it, it squawks, go near it and you'll lose half of your fingers. It'll have the other half off you the next time. Honestly, the bird needs some serious taming.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

My Nan died :(

I got a call from Pete in work today, as the police had gone to my Mums work and told her. She then called Pete in hysterics. I made sure I went to the flat with my Mum and her brother Steven, as I'm pretty level headed in a crisis and my Mum just panics. The poor lady next door found her. She was last seen alive by Steven on Monday, but she must have fallen out of bed and she couldn't get up. She just reached for a pillow and curled up on the floor. They didn't find her until this morning. She could've been there for a few days.

I'm just so sad. I know a lot of families don't do a very good job of caring for their elders, but we did, and this still happened. We were always checking up on her, and my Mum used to take Isobel and Taylor up there to stay twice a month. Steven visits twice a week. Some elderly people get no visits from anyone at all, so why did this have to happen to her?
I went to the flat with them, they'd already taken her away, but the pillow was still on the floor. I just sat there for a while and cried. My Mum had to call Victor, the other brother, in Australia. He's flying in this weekend. My Mum and Steven were just too upset, so I had to call the coroner, the undertakers, cancel all her amenities, and call some of her friends.

We haven't told the children yet, they've gone to a cricket match with Pete tonight and I didn't want to spoil it for them. How on earth am I going to tell them? She was such a massive part of their lives. Isobel was asking about Nanny Farm today, it just upsets me so much that she won't remember her when she grows up.
She was such a sweet kind old soul, and she adored Pete and the children. I was her first grandchild, and the only one for such a long time, that I was a bit spoilt as a child.

I keep wondering how long she laid there. Was she scared? Did she know she was dying? Did she think about us and the kids? When my grandad died I was upset, but I'm involved this time, you know? I'm an adult, it's my responsibility.

Rest in Peace Peggy.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Sunday Sunday...

We had a nice day yesterday. The weather was steaming here. Pete went to football training so me and the kids went round to see Lara. She still had a few guests round there staying after the reception, so we sat in the garden chatting. The reception on Saturday night was great. The wedding photos were projected onto the wall, they were really nice and Glenn did a great job. Both me and Isobel got a present, an Isobel went nuts over hers. She got a Nemo wheel along case with Nemo toys and Nemo knickers for her potty training(which is going slowly!)
Ryan dancing with Lara:

Anyway, back to Sunday! I left the boys at Lara's and took Isobel home for a nap. Pete got home and decided he wanted an argument, and really laid into me. He basically said that I spend no time with him in the evenings(hello, I'm busy!), and made me feel like shit. What he didn't realise is the reason I don't want to sit with him in the lounge all night is that I get ignored. There is either football, cricket or a film on. Whenever I try to have a conversation he doesn't hear me, and I end up repeating myself 2 or 3 times. It's very annoying, so I leave him to it. I'm also a pretty cold and shut off person with my emotions, and he's sick of it. So that was me reprimanded.
We went and collected the boys and visited the horse sanctuary down the road from us. It really is a fabulous charity,
They take in abused an abandoned horses, and survive only on donations from the public. I volunteered here as a teen, and will do again once Isobel is at school. I also had one of their horses on loan years ago. Debbie, a retired racehorse. I'm pretty sure she'll be gone now, as she was 25 years old when I had her in 1996.
Isobel loves animals, but one of the horses sneezed on her and she cried.
Then we went to the adventure playground, the kids all had fun and I got stung by a wasp. Good times. Me and Pete are fine now, we always are after we have words. We're very good at resolving things as soon as we can.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

We have vegetables!

My vegetable patch has come along really nicely. I posted pictures of it when it was first planted, so thought I'd update.
My tomato plants have flowered, been pruned and strung up, and behold we have tomatoes!

The actual veggie patch has broccoli and beetroot, a few carrots(the slugs got most of them), and spring onions.

I can't wait to eat the spring onions. I had a little nibble of one of them and it was divine. Bring on the harvest!