Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Grief sets in...

Isn't is supposed to get better, not worse? I'm finding myself missing Nan more and more each day.

Pete does a half day on Wednesday, so he got home at 1pm, we all had lunch, then he wanted to go upstairs on the PC. I took Isobel upstairs with me and we all laid down for a bit. Me and Ibby fell asleep for a bit. I had a dream that we were having a birthday party for one of the kids round at Nan's flat. We always used to do that, Isobel's was the last one in May. The dream had nothing specific in it, we were all just sat around opening presents, eating and laughing. I woke up really sad that we'll never do it again. I'll never walk through that door and see her sitting in her chair again.
I'm dreading Christmas this year, it's going to be so hard. I know she'd want us to enjoy it, but how can we? She was such a massive part of it, it'll just be empty.

I do feel like I'm grieving naturally, which is a good thing. I'm not bottling it up, or ignoring it(which I do so well normally). I'm known as the Ice Maiden amongst friends. Nothing chips at my armour. But this all feels right. When we had to get rid of Fraser(our dog) last November, it really hit me hard. I still can't look at photos of him, it upsets me too much. My emotions just shut down whenever I think about him, it hurts too much. So for me, this process right now is good and healthy, even though it feels awful.

Isobel with Nan last Christmas;

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