Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Letting Go

I've had a pretty quiet day today, it's been lovely. Jake was ill so Lara stayed at home today, so this morning I got loads of ironing done, then put some clothes up on Ebay. I even fell asleep when Isobel had her nap this afternoon, I don't get to do that very often!

I'm in a bit of a tizz at the moment, I'm driving myself mad. For months now I've been adamant that I don't want any more children. That's it, we're done. Then every now and then, like this week, I get really broody. I need to get out the sacks of baby clothes and sell them, but I'm too scared in case looking at them makes me even broodier. Damn hormones!

It makes both Pete and I sad that we stupidly had the boys with complete idiots(although we love the boys to bits and wouldn't change them, we wish they were ours), and now can only fit one child that belongs to both of us into our family. I need to accept that this is what fate had mapped out for me, this is my family and it stops here. I have to keep telling myself that I can do all these fun things now that Isobel is getting older. I can start DJing again, and go horse riding every weekend if I want to(which I'll be doing once we get back from Jamaica). I want to try and pass my driving test and get a car after Christmas this year, then next year maybe get a horse of my own again. I can't do any of these things with another baby. We are also planning a holiday to Corfu next year, then the year after that we want to visit Florida. I need to just keep repeating these things in my head.
If Pete gets this job I'll be here on my own tying up loose ends for 3 months, then we'll be moving into a house just big enough for all of us(this one is too small). Pete is also about to buy a new car, that will only fit us five in it. No babies! I want to start treating myself a little, get my hair cut more than once a year, get my nails done(that is sooo not me!), buy new clothes more than once in a blue moon. I'd love to be materialistic occasionally. I need to focus on the materialistic things, because if I look deeper I'll start thinking "What if we just had one more?". Plus, I've just lost a stone and a half, and I do not want to pack that back on again.

There, I've convinced myself.

I guess I can just come back and read this whenever I get broody. :)

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