Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Whew! It's been a busy few days. Yesterday I had a raging fever, I felt really rough. I don't feel great today, but heaps better than yesterday. Today was supposed to be the first day of Laney's Daycare, as I'm having Jake a few days a week. It went a bit tits up for Lara(and Rob)today, so she ended up not working all day. Bloody agencies! We did our usual Tuesday thing anyway.
The few hours I did have Jake here he was an angel, and didn't cry once.
It's payday tomorrow, not that we have anything left to spare, but even doing the food shopping is enjoyable when the cupboards are bare like they are tonight.
I'm covering a trip at work on Friday, I only found out today. It was supposed to be Jim's, but he's just come back today from a cruise with 50 of the clients and isn't up to it, so now I'm doing it. It's in Romford and I'm not entirely happy about going. It's where my Nan's flat was, and where I grew up, and it's still too raw. It's weird, we've visited the grave, in Romford. That was fine, it's the retracing of steps, childhood memories and stuff. I'm a bit of a sentimental old fool, and it's the memories that haunt me more than anything right now. I am so not over this, and it feels like the whole world expects me to be. I can see people rolling their eyes when they realise I'm still upset about it. I'm not looking forward to Christmas Day. :(
I haven't really told anyone this next thing, except for Pete one night in August when I was drunk and broke down crying. When I went round to the flat the day she died, I went in first, as we were expecting her body to still be there and my Mum couldn't go first. She wasn't there, they'd taken her, but there was a wet pillow on the floor beside her bed, where she'd lain for a few days probably, unable to get up. I stupidly touched where her head had been, and got a mental flash in my head of her last thoughts, and her thinking about all of us, and who was going to find her, and finally resignation and calm. I've never been able to do Psychometry before, but unfortunately for me this time, I did. Those feelings and images are now hovering around me and won't go away. I just get this panic inside me whenever I think about it. How long will this affect me for?
Most days I'm fine, but the thought of shopping in Romford is filling me with dread.